It’s funny how life works. My last post, The Luckiest Girl in the World, was honestly written from the joy bubbling out of my heart, but lately I’ve been struggling. I have been really conflicted because I don’t want to log onto my blog and spew my discouragement and dismay, but I want to be real and honest. I recently found myself in the kitchen surrounded by a never ending supply of dirty dishes and close to tears as my internal tape recorder repeated the phrase “I don’t want to be poor anymore.” My house is small. Too small. I don’t have any clothes that really fit my in-between, changing body. There is always something to clean, put away, feed or organize. And I can’t go shopping to make it feel better. I don’t think I realized how loose we were being with our spending plan before I stopped working and it became a necessity to stick to the budget. We have always paid extra money toward our debt, but I think we may have been using some of that extra money for spontaneous shopping trips or dinners out. Well, these little spending “vacations” are now a thing of the past. Add that to the fact that our debt snowball has melted a bit (single income family) and our debt balance is no longer dropping as quickly as it was before (medical bills) and you get a mom who has become apathetic and discouraged. I’ve gotten caught in a cycle of feeling overwhelmed and then feeling guilty because I really do have it so good, then the guilt becomes overwhelming….you get the picture. I’ve been trying to get creative about ways to earn extra spending money. I’ve been consigning everything I can and selling baby clothes, but I’m running out of stuff to pawn. (These methods have been pretty effective and I’m sure I’ll be blogging about my experiences.) I didn’t realize how much time I was putting into these projects until I took a look around my house and saw how little time I was putting into running the household. The evidence is all around me in stacks of dishes and piles of laundry.
To be honest, the only reason I haven’t given up and shopped till I dropped is because my husband is working so hard to make this life a reality. He never thought he would have a stay at home wife, but considering the logistics of daycare and coordinating work schedules, I know he can’t imagine me working outside the home. He works all the extra hours he can and helps out around the house (plus he really doesn’t care if it’s clean around here!) I’m also thankful to have family nearby who are always willing to watch TY. (No babysitter envelope needed. Thanks, Mama.) But still, I’m having trouble shaking off this feeling of defeat. I think this is the part of a marathon they call “hitting the wall”. All I know at this point is one foot in front of the other will get us to the finish line and hopefully it will all have been worth it.
PS “Live like no one else, and later you can Live like no one else.” Dave Ramsey